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Dramatis Personae

When reading a complex, sprawling, Dickensian, interactive masterwork like The Secret of Mousehand, it's easy to lose track of the many rich and exciting characters. In Webmonkey's never-ending struggle to provide you with every single thing you'll ever need, we present bite-sized descriptions of each character. Please note that these are only summaries and may contain the usual inaccuracies and gross generalizations that crop up whenever such complicated people are reduced to a single run-on sentence.

Aaron is our production manager and casts a long shadow upon the waxy planks of bowling lanes up and down the coast, as he attempts with frenzied excess to surpass his now-legendary score of 211.

Evany, our managing editor, is usually a sweet-tempered nonmember of the medical community, but here takes on the challenging and meaty role of that bondage-gear-wearing, robot-hating obstetrician, Dr. Neck.

Freeform is a biancanaut and the founder of our former radio station KHOT, which was live on the office airwaves sometime around 1995 or 1996. (The music stopped, though, when someone left a window open and the equipment got rained on. Or someone left the speakers at Burning Man - whichever you want to believe.)

Frew is our design editor and supreme ruler of the Bad Spellers tribe (otherwise known as designers).

Ian is our e-business editor and a member of the marketing department, bouncing from one crowd of ne'er-do-wells to another.

Jay is a writer/editor for Webmonkey who is kept on a short leash by his pimp daddy, a major playah in the database industry who shall remain nameless.

Jeff Brady, our liaison to the dark and seedy world of online advertising, writes in a complex, neologistic language that combines the best parts of Prince, Joyce, and Crothers; today he wore orange sneakers and Mickey Mouse socks.

JoAnne is our intern, begrudgingly doing our more tedious tasks (detailing the Bentley, writing all of the articles), while still finding time to work on her autobiographically apocalyptic manifestoes.

Josh, a Webmonkey writer/editor and master of disguise, has yet to attempt a sentence without a punch line.

June is vice prez of content or something like that, and exists solely on coffee and bits of stale bagels and other pastries that she's able to scrounge between meetings.

Kristin is our fearless leader who knows 203 ways to kill a man (217 if she has a roll of Scotch tape), but is currently limited thanks to the neck brace she is required to wear because of excessive head-banging.

In this vast world of visionaries and futurists, Mattmarg is best known for his saddle shoes.

Meghan, our production assistant, has ended up in any number of amusing and scared-straight-type anecdotal situations due to her gut-wrenching dependency on scratch-'n'-sniff stickers.

When Webmonkey producer Nadav goes to Hell, he will be forced to work for all eternity on a Macintosh Performa.

Nate is a Webmonkey production intern as well as the living embodiment of what Iowans picture when they speak scornfully of Californians. He also plays power forward for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Shvatz is a production manager and has received enough promotional equipment from sorely misled technological companies to start his own basic cable network.

Taylor® is a registered trademark of the Lycos Network.

Thau is Webmonkey's chief scientist, a biancanaut, and JavaScripter extraordinaire who has glued enough fruit to our walls to fill a Safeway produce aisle.

If you've never met a real slacker, you should swing by Austin, Texas, and take a gander at our banjo-picking Elbow Grease editor, Timz (aka Tim, Timz10000, and Timmyz10000).

Wendy is a Wired Digital producer who looks just like this.

Now that you have a handle on the sordid cast of characters, do you want to: